Below are the 11 most recent journal entries recorded in oper8nchknlitle's LiveJournal:

Monday, December 5th, 2005
7:15 pm	Life this semester has been quite interesting. Like I said in my other journal <lj user="octangel04'> that it's been full of the best moments of my life and some of the worst. The worst being Katrina, and the best being my relationship with Brandon. While there parts of this semester that I don't want to let go of, but I know I have to to move on from the worse. I'm really happy with Brandon, happier than I've ever been in my whole life, but all day today I've felt the need to push him away and I really don't understand why; I think I might actually be realizing the extent of my needing "me time". Don't get me wrong, I don't plan on leaving him, I guess I'm just over that "beginning of the relationship" stuff and I need my me time back. I also gave my virginity to him on Thanksgiving, which I have absolutely NO regrets....well, I guess saying that is a lie; the only regret I have about it is that I made that promise to mysef that I would never have sex before marriage for the simple fact that now I feel like my word is worthless; but then again when I think about it, without that promise, would I have waited for him? If given the opportunity, probably not (with out the promise that is) And I'm really glad I did because I know I can trust him, and giving that to him is something I don't take lightly.....I hope he knows that, and I'm pretty sure he does. I really hate work. Not so much the people I work with, or what I do, or even the stupid customers. I really just hate the time it uses up; I could really be using that time for something more....constructive? But what's more constructive than making money? Next semester I'm hoping to get my own room over in Andrews. Kate is a great roommate, but I think it's time we faced the facts--we've grown apart from each other. She's started hanging out with a group that I really don't like, and while I love the effect they're having on her confidence, I don't like everything else about them (with exception of one person). I also haven't talked to or hung out with Leah in a really long time. Neither one of of us have really had much time though. I'm hoping next semester will be different because I'll be gone next year. Speaking of which, I'm really excited about Campbell!!!! I'm also really scared! I'm excited because I'll be out of Mississippi, away from stupid people and stupid drama, I'll be on my "own", and because I'll get to make new friends and go to new places--expand my interests and hopefully find myself. I'm sad because I'll have to leave my friends behind, and even Brandon :( We'll stay together though, I trust him enough to do that, and I really hope he does the same for me-I really do love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him!!!! I will miss Leah, Kate, Jen, Allison, and Meg....although I think I really miss them already. Even though I room with Kate, Allison is really the only one I talk to anymore. I swear that girl drives me crazy, but she's also the only one I can talk to about personal stuff....I think it's because I know I can talk to her without feeling judged....I know she can be selfish and immature, but if it weren't for her....I'd be sitting in a lonely dark cold corner. Well, I'll update more later. Current Mood: blah Current Music: nothing (Comment on this)
Friday, October 14th, 2005
1:56 pm	Newbe I read the info on this journal and I know it said you wouldn't add anyone with no friends on their friends list....However, I really do want to be a part of this community (I have a lot of questions), but I have this journal to keep my private life private. I have another journal that's public (I just needed privacy.) My other journal is octangel04 and you can feel free to check it at any time. Currently I am in a relationship with a wonderful guy. We've been officially together for two weeks, talking for close to two months, and we've known each other for five years (so I completely trust him). The past few months have been wonderful, although akward at times. Last night we were talking and he said something that got me really upset because I've heard it from other guys (every other guy that I've dated in fact) and only been disappointed. We were talking about where our relationship was going and he said he wasn't going to let things get too serious because he didn't want to make any promises and "we'll see what happens...." This upsets me because I do trust him, and I do love him (but I'm not in love with him), but at the same time, I know he's still a guy and I know he has the potential of hurting me....My question is, do I trust him and just enjoy my time with him (while expecting nothing too serious to happen despite the fact that I still want it to), or do I not put myself through that heartache, but the heartache of not knowing what might have been? The choice seems easy, but I've been through it before only to be disappointed.... Current Mood: confused Current Music: love actually (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 5th, 2005
7:07 pm	Damn! When I screw up, I fucking screw up....! Last night Brandon and I went to the park in Wiggins to have a litte fun (but not too much fun!) and we got caught. We got arrested and were charged with public indecency because I was topless and he didn't have his pants on (he had boxers on though). The thing that gets me is that we were in his truck, granted we were in a public place (not really that public though). The cop just opened up his door and started yelling at us while pulling us out of the car while we were getting dressed. I was so pissed! When we got to the police station, the thing that got me crying wasn't how much I'd just screwed up my life, but how much I realized I had destroyed my reptuation. I know Brandon and I weren't having sex, but that's not what the cops saw, and that's not what they're going to believe....I don't really care what they believe...but I guess maybe I do because it affected me in some way. Another thing that bothers me is that Brandon didn't really seem to care. I know he did.....but it really felt like he wasn't viewing the situation the same as I was. I'm so stressed. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, September 30th, 2005
7:30 pm	Pleasure Okay, so I'm new to this community, and even to the whole sexual world. I've been dating this guy for about a month (we've known each other for almost five years now). He's very experienced compared to me (I'm a virgin-although not closed-minded) and I want to be able to please him. We've had some very hot "make-out" sessions and so far he's been happy with what I've given, but I still haven't pleased him in the way that I want to. Are there any techniques/tricks/tips that I should know? And when I mean techniques/tricks/tips...I know how to give head, and kiss, and things of the like, but is there anything I can add to what I do that he will make his head spin? I went through the memories and I didn't see anything related to this topic, and I'm sorry if there is, I just didn't see it. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 20th, 2005
11:16 pm	Am I supposed to hurt? Cause I don't....Yeah, I'm having major withdrawls of just having someone there for me......but....hmm....whatever. I guess I'll be okay. I just liked talking to him when we talked.....I don't even have that anymore. But hey, I went through over 19 years of my life without anyone to talk to like that, I'll be cool right? So work sucks....I think my IQ drops 1 point every two hours I'm there. It's so flippin' easy though, and the people are cool. We'll see how much I get paid hourly before I make up my mind where I work. Life is a headache......and living at "home" sucks. What I wouldn't give to have a fat checking account right now.....so I could go move out or something, that'd be tight. Damn....I've been hanging around Miranda too much..... I don't ever want to get close to another human being again.... What I wouldn't give to be held and told that I'm okay right now. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: nothing (Comment on this)
Friday, May 13th, 2005
12:20 am	I feel like I have a damned plastic bag over my head....I can't breathe. What the hell happened to me? A few months ago I had everything together, my whole life planned out. I was going to be somebody....something great. But somewhere along the way I got lost. So now I'm stuck here stranded, with this plastic bag over my head covering my eyes and stopping my breath. This is the second time in a week my mom has gone over the edge and landed on a limb. First the whole movie situation, and now the damned phone thing. Whatever, I really don't care. I've realized some things about that woman, and I guess I'll just have to accept them, right or wrong. I have many options of what I can do with this summer lying over my head. None of them I win, but none of them I lose. If I stay here, then I get a car, a job, an education, a phone....but no life. If I go elsewhere, I get a job and a life.......and pay for everything else myself. Option #1 promotes less stress with the feeling of being locked up in a jail house in a third world country. Option #2 promotes high stress with great freedoms.........hmmm...........? So you think I'm stupid?!?!?! You really honestly think I'm that fucking stupid?!?!?! YOU of all people should know that I'm not.......you know what you've made yourself look like to me? Everything I hoped you weren't......everything I hate.....You are just like the rest.....and YES this is about you so you don't even have to ask....There's a difference between knowing and believing....I've known for a while, I just refused to believe it........ I guess my flaw is giving people the benefit of the doubt....looks like a change is in order for me? As for you.....you call yourself a friend.......just keep telling yourself that.....if it makes you feel better anyway. Somebody take me away, wipe my tears and hold me....that's all I ask (Comment on this)
Monday, May 9th, 2005
8:49 pm	I didn't get the job at Chili's. I'm actually okay with that. It's not like I don't have other possibilities in front of me. I may have to do double duty on guard though. Whatever that's cool. I'm giving up on guys. Yes, I really am this time. I swear Chris was drunk when I talked to him the other night. He didn't call me last night, he said he fell asleep, I don't believe it. Kind of like I really don't believe I'm going to get to see him or talk to him tonight either.....whatever.... Love is something that doesn't exist. It's funny because I used to believe in love at first sight, and now I think of love as a figment of the imagination. Don't get me wrong, I want to someday have a family and stuff......but I don't believe in love-maybe because I've never experienced it? I have so much crap that I could do....like start a scrapbook, look for my pictures, clean my room, do laundry, start something to make me money; but I'm too upset to care at the moment. I need someone to get a torch to my ass and motivate me to do something......I have absolutely no outstanding qualities other than laziness. I just had this really strange dream that I was sort of back in high school. My life has no direction. Current Music: "More to Life"-Stacy Orrico (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 8th, 2005
8:06 pm	Damn......what I wouldn't do to be one of those people. To actually have an aim and purpose in life. Knowing that I have friends behind me. They will never fall no matter what they do. And not only do they have friends, they have family. Good for them. I don't have either. Maybe I do and I just take for granted both of them? Something like that anyway. It still feels like I've been cut like a knife. I don't regret anything about my past other than there's not enough of it. I wish I would have done more. Sleep is so overrated, but I need more for some reason. One day I hope to find myself someone that loves me the way he loves her......He wanted me like that at one point in time. I don't know what happened. I probably screwed up. Why is it the wrong moves are used on the right guys and the right moves are used on the wrong ones? I guess if I want something bad enough it will come to me. I should be happy.....I haven't completely lost everything right? Current Mood: hateful Current Music: "I Hate Myself For Losing You"-Kelly Clarkson (Comment on this)
1:16 pm	humnahumnahumnah Today is mother's day. I should be excited with tons of plans for my mother, but I don't. Instead I just got her a card and daddy, Heather, and myself are taking her out to dinner at Ruby Tuesday's later. Last night it was quite interesting.....Heather and I actually bonded. She saw my belly button ring, and I told her about getting drunk last weekend.....We have a "bond" now.....we can't rat each other out no matter what unless one of us is suicidal. We'll see how long this lasts. I know my mother deserves to know about all of it, but I just don't want my grandmother to know, she doesn't need to know-it's just better that way. Chris called......Stupidly I answered.....We talked, and once again he made me feel like he likes me....I refuse to waste my time on it anymore; he had his chance and lost it. It's not that I don't like him, it's just too late in the game for anything to happen without having a bad relationship. He told me that if I didn't talk to him today then he would be mad at me. So I thought about texting him this morning, and then actually went through with it. I made the mistake of telling him I almost didn't do it....so now he's not talking to me....whatever. If he wants to talk to me now, he can get off his lazy ass and call me....I don't like calling people anyway. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't recognize my beliefs, values, or thoughts anymore. I guess that's something that comes with experience? For example, I know drinking is bad in more than one way, but I also have to admit that when I got drunk last weekend, I enjoyed myself and would, eventually like to do it again (only be a little smarter about it). I also know that "physical activities" are wrong, but sometimes it just fits the moment. You know what I'm saying? I plan on staying a virgin till I'm married......but without experience, how am I supposed to make my husband happy? I dunno... Current Mood: weird Current Music: "Nolia Clap" (Comment on this)
1:31 am	Since you've been gone This is exactly how I feel right now......: "Behind These Hazel Eyes" Seems like just yesterday You were a part of me I used to stand so tall I used to be so strong Your arms around me tight Everything, it felt so right Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong Now I can't breathe No, I can't sleep I'm barely hanging on Here I am, once again I'm torn into pieces Can't deny it, can't pretend Just thought you were the one Broken up, deep inside But you won't get to see the tears I cry Behind these hazel eyes I told you everything Opened up and let you in You made me feel alright For once in my life Now all that's left of me Is what I pretend to be So together, but so broken up inside 'Cause I can't breathe No, I can't sleep I'm barely hangin' on Here I am, once again I'm torn into pieces Can't deny it, can't pretend Just thought you were the one Broken up, deep inside But you won't get to see the tears I cry Behind these hazel eyes Swallow me then spit me out For hating you, I blame myself Seeing you it kills me now No, I don't cry on the outside Anymore... Here I am, once again I'm torn into pieces Can't deny it, can't pretend Just thought you were the one Broken up, deep inside But you won't get to see the tears I cry Behind these hazel eyes Here I am, once again I'm torn into pieces Can't deny it, can't pretend Just thought you were the one Broken up, deep inside But you won't get to see the tears I cry Behind these hazel eyes So he said he would call, but he hasn't. I want him to so I can not answer the phone. I want to have complete and total control. I know he's going to get back together with Anna.....I've had suspicions of them being together for a while. I'm not stupid. Everyone really thinks I am......:( I think I'm tipsy at the moment. Current Mood: curious Current Music: Kelly Clarkson and Diana Anaid (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 7th, 2005
4:36 pm	First post...in this journal So I feel like I need to start over, and this is it. Well, this is more or less my own personal journal. I need a place to vent. As much as I wish I could actually write in a regular journal, it's so much easier to type! Not to mention I can now save it to my computer and everything is great! I managed to make it through my first year of college! It really felt more like my junior year of high school though (until finals). I managed to make all A's this semester. This was a hectic year. Between boys, grades, friends, family, and my own self....I don't know how I made it through, but I did. I'm officially swearing off dating, of any kind, for a really long time. For good, for real...NO EXCEPTIONS to the rule! Not even if he comes up and sideswipes me...nothing should allow me to give it.....I'll be happy later when there's no heartache. I need a job. I have several options in front of me. It all depends on this job at Chili's. If I get that one, life will be great! If not, then well, there's one on the weekends that pays $14 and hour and it's only Saturday's and Sunday's....there's just a few days I wouldn't be able to work :(. Something will work out because I can also apply at Denny's....and there's this mystery shopper thing that apparently pays pretty well. I'm starting to worry about myself. I've changed too much. My beliefs are different.....not a good different either. Things have just gotten.........they've changed. :( Current Mood: confused Current Music: "Beautiful Disaster"-Kelly Clarkson (Comment on this)